terrible

Henry is well into the terrible twos. Our formerly sunny boy has morphed into a disagreeable little person who hits and throws himself to the floor, kicking and screaming, when things don't go his way. On Sunday, we went out to breakfast with my parents, and Henry threw a screaming fit and lashed out at his favorite target: Max. I ended up taking him out to the car, leaving my half-eaten breakfast bowl behind, and waiting while my parents finished their breakfast with the big boys. Last night, we went to a friend's house to go swimming, and we had to leave because Henry threw an unbelievable fit when Max and Liam had the temerity to want to use their towels.

It's a trying time, but the thing is that it's also an important developmental stage. Henry is learning to make decisions for himself. He is developing ways to interact with people in a way that makes him happy without making other people miserable. He is forming the personality and interpersonal skills that he will need for the rest of his life.

And into this context comes this charming piece of work by CNN "columnist" LZ Granderson. To summarize: Kids who misbehave in public are the product of bad parenting. These "brats" will ruin your dinner, your flight, your trip to the grocery store, while their parents -- their mothers, actually, as fathers are not even mentioned once in the entire piece -- stand by, helpless to do anything because parents (mothers!) these days just don't discipline their kids.

Let me just take a little side trip here to tell you that writing things that are overtly offensive and judgmental is how LZ Granderson makes his living. If you are so inclined, you can witness his recent scholarly works "Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps" and "Don't let ignorant people vote." Granderson himself, of course, is the arbiter of what constitutes "trampy" and "ignorant." We'll just say I'm not a big fan of his work, and leave it at that.

Back to the article at hand. Granderson has really outdone himself as a provocateur this time. Postings to this article lit up my Facebook page, and my favorite blog (a feminist blog) burst into an argument so contentious that the posting had to be closed for comments. A surprising (to me) number of people seem to not only agree with what Granderson is saying here, but to cheer it. They believe that the cause of misbehavior by bratty kids in public spaces is something that is squarely placed at the feet of bad parents who need to stop sparing the rod and learn to discipline the little snots forcefully.

But here's the thing: Children are not tiny adults. They do not have the tools to deal with every environment that they might encounter in a way that is pleasing to every single adult around them. That is biology, not a reflection of bad parenting. And here's a news flash: Children throw fits. They do. I know you're surprised to hear this, but I'm here to testify. They do it for any number of reasons, from being overly tired to overwhelmed to simply not being able to express frustrations in any other way. I read a comment from one woman who had worked long and hard to be able to bring her autistic son into a store (he had a fear of public spaces, and they were working with a therapist) only to have a snotty cashier sneer, "What is wrong with that kid?" at her. So if that child screams or kicks in public, even though his mother was working with a professional to give him the coping mechanisms he needed to be part of the world, is that still "bad parenting"? If my kids misbehave in public, even though they know that the consequence will be removal from the event, does that make me a bad parent? I believe it does not. The fact is that I'm not a bad parent. I am simply a parent, with children who act like children. And as an adult who has witnessed plenty of other parents' children throw fits in public spaces, there is no way for me to know what the problem is. There is no possible way that I can sit in judgment of what I perceive to be those parents' lack of parenting skills, because I have no idea what their actual situation is.

And here's one other thing: Public spaces are, by nature, public. And children are current and future members of said public. I realize that when my children behave badly in a public space, it disturbs others, and I make every effort to mitigate these instances. Granderson (and the many fine commenters on various Internet forums) would suggest that the brats should just be kept at home until they learn how to behave properly. I would counter by asking: How are children supposed to learn to behave in a public space if they are not allowed to BE in a public space? My personal solution has been to expose my kids to restaurants, parks, grocery stores, and other public places as often as possible, so they get a sense of how to behave. I don't hesitate to leave if their behavior becomes unacceptable. But I will try again. And again, and again. And if my kid ruins your grocery shopping experience (really?), I will apologize. But I will not stop bringing them to the grocery store until they magically attain the skills they need to get along with all the judgmental people in the world -- because that would make me a bad parent.