we're still here

I know, I know. It's been months since I've blogged. I just ... haven't had any words. That's what depression does sometimes. At least it's what depression does to me. I haven't been writing, I've only recently started taking bird pictures and reading books again, and heaven only knows when I'll feel up to going for a hike.

It's not a thing I talk about a lot, but sure, I've been prone to sporadic bouts of depression for most of my adult life. If you asked me today, I might tell you that it's never been this bad or lasted this long before, but then again, that might not actually be true because I'm a human, and we tend to look at the past through a rosier lens than the present. And honestly, this particular present has had a lot of exacerbating factors. But things are starting to get better.

So what have I been doing? Whatever I can. Painting is a quiet and solitary thing, so I've painted the kitchen, the dining room, the back entry, and some doors. I like painting, but I also like not falling to my death, so I hired a nice, energetic, flexible young man who is just starting out in the painting business to take care of the two-story front entryway. It's a beautiful light blue now. He did a great job. I've been filling the house with color, both because I love it and because it's a way to remind myself that not everything exists in grayscale. 

Sometimes I build legos (I have so many botanical legos now!). Sometimes I walk the dogs. And sometimes it's all I can do to get through the workday and make sure everyone has what they need and gets where they need to go when they need to be there, and everything else can just wait because I'm tired and just want to take a nap.

I'm fully vaccinated now, and so is Mike. Liam will get his second shot tomorrow, and hopefully the CDC will approve the vaccine for adolescents later today so I can get Max scheduled first thing tomorrow. For now, they're only approving ages 12 and up, so Henry will still have a few months to go, but four out of five is great compared to where we were last year. 

Anyway, life goes on. We've had Christmas and New Year's and Easter and Mother's Day. We only have two weeks left in the school year. Liam is managing the girls tennis team, and Max is running on the track team. I just signed Liam and Henry up for city league summer tennis. We got the front of the house regraded, and expanded a garden bed that is currently a huge dirt patch for Mike to fill with all sorts of happy plants, if we ever reach last frost. We'll go on vacations again, and the world will rearrange itself into a new kind of normal, though I doubt we'll ever take our bare faces for granted again. 

And I'll write more words, I promise. It's been a long, bitter season. I'm ready for better times.