In the past few days, I've read a lot of blog posts that got me thinking about the assumptions people make about what kind of parents they will be, and what kind of parents other people are. People are horrified by the music they hear kids singing, by the movies kids watch, by the things they eat and even how quickly they eat them. Inevitably, it's the parents' fault. It's "bad" parenting. What's funny to me is that most of the people writing these things aren't parents themselves, but they know with absolute certainty that they will do things the right way. On top of that, they know precisely what that right way is.
It's easy to be irritated by those kind of assumptions, but I also find myself envying people the certainty and solidity of their viewpoints, because I've found that with each day I've spent as a parent, the ground shifts under my feet. Without meaning to, my kids have challenged nearly every assumption I've ever had about life. They have changed me. And I think that's a good thing. Sure, maybe they watch more TV than they should, and maybe that song about, er, pharmaceuticals that Max likes isn't the best thing in the world for him to know the words to. But so what?
To me, a lot of things are like old Looney Tunes cartoons: They're designed with levels. The kids can understand things on one level, and find them outright hilarious, but there are aspects of them that go way above kids' heads and are directed squarely at the parents. Young and old understand the same thing in totally different ways. In the case of Looney Tunes, I have to believe that this is so the parents will actually watch with their kids.
And think about the stuff the kids sang when you were one of them. I can picture myself as a kid with my sister, and one of my teenage uncles sang The Kinks' "Art Lover" to us because he thought it was funny. We had no idea what it meant (hint: it's about a totally different kind of appreciation); we just knew that our uncle was singing to us. I probably wandered around singing Hall & Oates' "Maneater" or The Police's "Don't Stand So Close to Me" when I was little, but honestly, I thought one of them was about bugs and the other was about annoying little sisters (yeah, they totally weren't). And who knows, maybe my mom took her turn and sang Elvis' "Hound Dog" at the Ben Franklin when she was a kid. This stuff is not new.
So the next time you're at the grocery store, if you hear my kid singing that Queens of the Stone Age song, remember that to him, it's just a catchy tune (and one that his father happens to like). It's not a reflection of his parents, but evidence that his parents share with him the things they enjoy. And that's one concept that I can absolutely get behind.
2 comments:
First of all, I totally agree that kids have no idea what they're singing and that it's harmless. When I was in elementary school I loved to sing this song that was on the radio all the time, Lovin' You by Minnie Riperton, which if you know the song, is very, ahem, adult. I had no idea what it was about, but I loved singing to her "aaah aaah aah's", which was, for those who haven't heard it, was really her having a big "o" (ahem). I had no idea why my parents thought it was so funny.
Second, I have also noted others's judgements of my parenting from those that don't have kids. I try not to be too upset because before I had kids I was very opinionated about how others were parenting. It didn't take long after becoming a parent that I realized why their kids were acting the way they were, as everything I judged suddenly was happening to me. But it still gets to me when they judge. And it's hard to explain in an instant "oh this is what's really happening" or to explain about my son's sensitivities or his diagnosis--it's none of their business why he's throwing a fit in the middle of the grocery store and I have to carry him out, embarrassing as it is.
Some can be very bothersome when they think of themselves as expert, for having done a lot of babysitting or for once working for DCFS. I actually tried warning a friend once who was saying what a great mom she was going to be, and I warned her that reality can crash down the hardest on those who think they are above it all, but she didn't get it at all. I fervently hope she has a baby soon, and that that baby is not one of those perfectly behaved types but a normal, tantrum-throwing, "mine mine mine" yelling, saying "no" to his mom, kinda kid! Believe me, I know wherefore I speak: The way my daughter behaves is, I've been told by my mother, payback time.
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