this is just to say

These boys have been home with me for seven months now. They're going back to school Monday, and I'm terrified for them. For all of us.

It's been very hard spending seven months doing my own full-time (and usually more than full time!) job and shepherding them through school every day while also trying to keep us all safe and alive. It's been an enormous stress that I'm not sure I've fully even processed. I don't know what happens when they go back to school and I'm here alone with the dogs and my work and my thoughts, and I can focus again and work through everything. I really don't.

BUT.

I also want to say that I'm going to miss them so much. Right now, I can hear Liam singing in the basement when he's not laughing and talking to his friends (it's lunch break for him). I can hear Henry in the kitchen making lunch for them all. I can hear Max moving around in his room above me. I can verify that in this very moment, they're here, and we're safe. I can force them to give me a hug if I want. (I won't; that's not my thing.) I have this moment, and we're here, and it's all ok for now, and I just want to make a note of how much that means to me. This assurance is a precious commodity, and I'm about to send them off into the world again and lose it.